Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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