just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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