If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
