yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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