I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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