my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
