By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize