The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
