She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
