Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize