smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
sex in a hospital.. check
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
