He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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