you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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