I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
