just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
