I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
