Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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