so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
