Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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