I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
do herpes really smell.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
