Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
