did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Houston, we have a blender
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
