The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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