Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
honey bunches of taint.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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