Apparently you make a good broom.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
