so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
