Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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