I'm so fucking centered right now
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
zippers are such a cool invention
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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