After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
