I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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