i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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