You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
