my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
