I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
