but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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