If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
