Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize