just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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