I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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