Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
