I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
