I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
