In the future we'll all be gay
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
