a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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