I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
