Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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