im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Two words: nipple clamps
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