i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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