apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
