Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She's the barista slut.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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