I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Randomize
