I can tuck mytits in my pants
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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