is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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