i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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