i just sent this text using only my big toe
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
