Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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