We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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