Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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