when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
