3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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