I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
