What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
FUCK WHALES
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
