At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
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